Sadness Fills Our Hearts

Photo by Stacy Carter

This post is way too late. I didn’t know Shawn Osbourne (Shawn McGrath) personally, but–having read about him–he seems like he was a very interesting fellow. More importantly, however, Shawn was a VERY good friend of two friends of mine, Nick “Sinn Bodhi” Cvjetkovich and Stacy Carter. My heart goes out to both of them for the loss of their buddy and colleague. Many of us have suffered tremendous loss … so few have to relive it by reading their friend’s final, chilling words.

For those who want to read McGrath’s sad good-byes (posted by Stacy), proceed.

To all who care:

Just so everyone knows, this had nothing to do with the Bears losing on Sunday. I have never been that emotionally invested into any sport where I would end my life over a loss. To me, it’s just a game and only a game and I made my mind up about this a while ago. This was being thought about prior to the playoffs even starting, so it wasn’t a snap decision and would not have mattered if they made it to the Super Bowl or not. I spent a lot of time this season either at a bar or here at home watching Bears games but, for a lot of reasons, I was never able to get excited about the playoffs. It just didn’t seem to matter to me. I feel I have been missing something. There has been a lot of love, passion, and emotion that has been ripped out of my body over the past several months and I hope the following pages will shed some light on why this all happened………

I am sure you are all asking yourself WHY? For me, this is something that I have thought about A LOT and decided it was time for me to “check out”. I cannot deal with the negative emotions anymore. I cannot continue to go through life with a broken heart. It’s just way too painful. I have tried to be positive and upbeat but I am hurting way too much. How many times can I continue to pick myself up after being knocked down over and over again and still remain positive? Believe me, I’ve tried…..numerous times. All I think about is putting an end to this. I have been sleeping in longer than I ever have before, I don’t eat much, and I just don’t have any motivation to do anything anymore, including going to the gym. I have even been staying home from work because of this, and I like my job! Some might say that I am taking the “easy way out”. Maybe I am, maybe I‘m not. For me, it’s just time to go. We are all destined for death whether its today, tomorrow, or fifty years from now. There is no avoiding it. Human society is horrendous these days and continues to get worse year by year. I am tired of people taking my kindness for weakness and walking all over me while I “turn the other cheek” or be the better person. I am not weak! Over the past few years, I have consciously changed myself to be a more positive, happy, upbeat person but, it’s nearly impossible to stay that way with the people in this world. All I wanted in life was to be happy but that cant happen. Negativity and fake people make me sick. I didn’t do this for “revenge” on anyone specifically either, although some people may think that because that’s how highly they want to think of themselves. There have been a couple of situations in the past year that have been devastating to me that I can’t seem to get over, especially the most recent one. (My friends who I am very close with know what those things are.) In the past year I have gone from being happy to miserable and then being elevated to a level of happiness I have never been at before only to be manipulated, lied to, worked over and eventually sent to the breaking point. That is where I am at right now. Those two instances are not the only reasons for this but, they have hugely contributed to my final downfall. Jennifer Key and Amy Presley/Santee or whatever she wants to be called, are their names. Jennifer is just a worthless cunt and gutless human being. What she did to me was unspeakable and uncalled for. Amy, on the other hand was awesome……for a while. Then, she showed her true colors. She not only worked me over but, she even worked over my friends Nick and Stacy too. She made us believe that she was the real deal but we ended up becoming suckers. She even presided over their wedding for Christ sake! In the end, she turned out to be a phony, fake, stuck up, pretentious, selfish, greedy, spiteful little snob. When she doesn’t get her way (meaning when you don’t buy her things everyday during her “birthday month“) she turns her back on you and gives you the silent treatment and makes you feel like an asshole for not doing so. I have never been around anyone who thought that their birthday was for an entire month and felt entitled to have something done for them every single day of that month. That is 100% true! She went from one extreme to another telling me one day, she loved me, to the next day saying she wasn’t ready to be in any kind of relationship, back to telling me she loved me and wanted me in her life the day after that. It’s this kind of behavior that continued to destroy my already fragile heart. Even after all of her erratic behavior, I tried to make nice with her and be the adult, and at the very least have a friendly rapport with her but, she snubbed me again and gave me the cold shoulder treatment. She is just one, in a long line of people I wish had never been brought into my life. She liked to use big words like “love” all of the time around me but, she doesn’t know what “love” truly is. It’s pathetic. I have been dating a lot recently but because of recent experiences, there is no way I could ever trust a woman in that capacity again. My heart has had enough.

*I do want to make something perfectly clear. She is not the sole reason I am doing this, but is a contributor.*

The lack of relationship I have had with my parents and siblings since my childhood along with the end of my WWE dream have also contributed. I have NEVER had any kind of relationship with my Dad, which is all his fault. He used intimidation and anger as a way to communicate with me when I was real young which made me not ever want to be around him. I never enjoyed being around him, EVER! Growing up, I saw how both my parents treated the rest of my siblings and their kids by trying to control how they lived their lives and I made it a promise to myself that it would never happen to me. I have separated myself from my family because I knew I would be a better person for it, and I have. I have stayed away from the drama and bullshit that comes along with being a McGrath. My brothers and sisters did nothing but complain about my parents behavior towards them as I grew up but none of them had the guts to do anything about it. I did. In 2002, I moved away from home to pursue a wrestling career, that my parents never encouraged me on. They never wanted me to pursue anything unless they liked it themselves. My Mom wanted to keep me held up in their house forever and not let me explore the world. I got up and left and four years later I signed a WWE contract. At this point, I do forgive my parents for everything and that’s important. From the time I was twelve years old, I wanted to be on my own. I was always seeking my independence as a person. I didn’t want to be around my parents for a lot of reasons. There was a huge age gap and they just couldn’t relate to me in any way. For most of my life, I did feel like an only child but that’s no ones fault. We lived on opposite sides of the country from each other. I had no immediate contact with anyone and my parents just were too old to relate to anything I was going through. I have no issues with any of my brothers or sisters either. I appreciate my brother Gary taking me in for a few months when I first moved to Ohio. It helped a lot. I do appreciate several of my other brothers and sisters trying to reach out to me over the years but I just did not want to get involved. I have chosen not to communicate with any of my siblings because I didn’t want to come across like I was favoring one sibling over another. It has been best for me to do that. I don’t have any ill will towards any of them.

Another factor in all of this is the fact that I feel that I have accomplished everything that I want to in life. I know I am 34 years old but that’s how I feel. I set out to become a pro wrestler and work for the WWE, and I did! I am happy with what I accomplished and am thankful for the wonderful friendships that I have made over the years but, I am just not a happy man. For some reason, continued happiness seems to elude me. I can get it for a little while but something always happens that takes it away. I can’t keep going on like this. Why should I? This is a good time to move on. I know this is hard for my friends to understand but, realize this, I don’t want to live on for another 40-50 years being miserable and unhappy. I don’t want to have to have to deal with money issues, work, women, or any of life’s other problems. I don’t want to keep getting burned by crazy, whacked out girls who won’t grow up and who are afraid to be honest with me or themselves. I feel that is just a waist. At work, I speak to people all day long that are either unemployed, disabled, or old and just spend their life sitting around doing nothing. I can’t do that. It’s depressing. My big dream in life was pursued and accomplished. I have no others that could even come close to it and you can’t make me like something or force me to pursue something that I don’t want to do just to keep me from killing myself.

There is nothing any of my friends could say or do that would change my decision to pull the trigger. I’m sorry. I have tried the self help books and tried to surround myself with positive people but there just isn’t enough. There is too much negative energy out there and it’s too hard to overcome it. I have been dating quite a bit recently but I cannot trust anyone that I go out with. I cannot fully open my heart to someone and take another chance on it being broken again. I don’t have anything left inside of me for that. The shit that I have dealt with in the past eight months has been enough to push me over the edge and finally put an end to it, my way. Too many people taking my kindness for weakness? Yes. Too many people trying to take advantage of me? Yes. Too many people being selfish, untruthful and manipulative? Yes.

I bought a gun on my own. It’s my constitutional right to bear arms. Don’t blame the store I bought it at for any of this. I had absolutely, positively no intention, desire, want, to use this gun on anyone else except for myself. I don’t think I could ever bring myself to shooting someone else, even on the ones that have hurt me over the years. I don’t have that kind of hatred inside of me. I would rather just use one bullet on myself and be done with it.

The following is for my close friends……

Nick and Mike (Titan) – The two of you are my brothers. We have traveled up and down the road together in WWE and put together one hell of a freak show. I know that you guys always had my back and I always had yours.

Nick – You are one of the best people I have ever known. I wish I could have been half as nice and personable as you are. I always felt honored to be your friend. You are the most outgoing, ambitious, and nicest person I know. We both confided in each other over the years both personally and professionally and I am proud to have had a friend like you in my life. You are a tremendous person and I am so glad you and Stacy found each other and found happiness together. You, more than anyone, deserves it. I wish I could have found that kind of happiness, but it wasnt in the cards for me. I miss you and Stacy a ton. I hope to God that you make millions of dollars entertaining people all around the world. I love you two! “Stay gold Ponyboy stay gold.”

Mike – I remember the first time I saw you I thought to myself, “holy shit, that guy is huge!”. Lol How many times have you and I laughed our asses off over the years from episodes of Family Guy? Like Nick, I was always proud to be your friend. You and I have always been friends and I hope all of your dreams come true. Stay positive and have a good attitude and the sky is the limit for you buddy. I left something for you in an envelope here in my apartment. It’s got your name on it. Love ya buddy, Giggity giggity.

George Geronsin – Hey budday! Another brother of mine. You and I became instant friends while working at Best Buy together over a decade ago and have been great friends since. We have never had an argument or fight with each other over the years. You are one of the funniest, caring, people out there. So many good memories with you. So many fun times. The time I spent with you and Pat in Chicago was the best time away from home I have ever had. Sneaking into Wrigley Field together, playing Monopoly, and visiting Soldier Field to watch the Bears was awesome! I know this isn’t easy for you right now and believe me, it’s not easy for me writing this. I know I could always count on your support over the years and making me feel good when I needed it. You have a great life with Kristina and your beautiful daughters and please continue to do so. I don’t want you or Reece or anyone else to think that you could have prevented me from doing this. No one could have. An intervention would not have worked. You have meant a lot to me. I love you budday! Go Bears!

Reece Wells – We have had a ton of laughs over the years, usually at each others expense and usually during NFL playoff time. I still laugh my ass off when I think about the times when George and I would call you the second the Steelers would lose a playoff game and rub it in your face. I remember during the first couple of years I moved to Ohio that I could always call you and get advise from you when things were down for me. It was hard for me to be so far away at times and I always wished you and George were around to make me feel better. You have been like my black older brother and I sincerely appreciate your friendship. Go Steelers!

Jayson Flannery – It has been over two years since you and I have actually spoken or communicated. I cannot explain it. I didn’t have any issues with you. I think around the time in November 2008 that it started, I was still in a state of unhappiness and depression from my stint with WWE. I wasn’t happy with myself at that time either. With your wedding coming up, I felt a bit embarrassed and ashamed of myself that I could not make my way out to Phoenix to celebrate with you and Chey, that I just decided to stay home. I have had a much different friendship with you than anyone else over the years. It was good, bad, and sometimes non existent. I choose to remember all of the fun times we had over the years like working together at Target, Answer City, Sears, and Best Buy. I still can’t believe we never got fired from anyone of those places with the shit we pulled off. Lol We spent a lot of time watching the Diamondbacks games back in the day, playing basketball, hitting baseballs, or just playing video games. I want to also thank your Mom and Dad for always making me welcomed in their home. I always got along with your parents and enjoyed having your Dad come out to baseball games or to the bars with us. It made things more fun. There were so many times that I use to wish that my parents were more like yours. That was the norm for me. I would get along with and have more in common with my friends parents then with my own. It’s just the way it was. I am happy for you and Chey. I am happy I have been able to communicate with her through Facebook to find out how things are. Take care of each other. This might be harder for you than any other one of my friends because this isn’t the first time you have had to go through this. Bro, this has been brewing for years and years. I always knew I would never, ever be fully happy in life. It‘s something I felt at a younger age. It’s going to be hard to except and yes, there are a few people to blame for it, especially now. Try and understand that I cannot keep this up anymore. I have really tried. I was sooo happy for a while but, the way things go in my life, happiness was short lived. It might be karma or just my destiny for this to happen. I just don’t want to be miserable and depressed forever and I know you don’t want me that way either. I have nothing to look forward to in life and just take solace in the fact that I wont be an old miserable fuck. I want to be buried in the Mark McGwire jersey that you gave me along with the Brian Urlacher jersey. I think the Urlacher over the McGwire will work. If I am not buried, then you can have the jersey back if you want it. Just keep anything relating to Jay Cutler or Bret Favre away from me….ha ha! I love you pal! Take care of Chey too.

Lauren – You have been a great friend to me over the years. I wish nothing but the best for you and your family. You are one of very, very few people that I still keep in contact with from the time I spent living in Ohio and I am glad that you came into my life. Take care of that family of yours and be happy.

For my wrestling family…..Stacy, Spears, Chet, Kruhl, Al Snow, Rory, Domino, Les Thatcher, Cody Hawk, Stryker, Neikirk, Santos, Navajo, Metal Matt O’Neil, Chris Gray and Bonnie….Thank you for your knowledge, advise, encouragement, friendship, love and humor.

Lexie and Scott – Thank you for your friendship and hospitality over the past couple of years. I cannot put into words how much that has meant to me. Both of you are tremendous human beings and I only wish that there were more like you in this world.

Thanks to everyone I worked with at Asset Acceptance. Thank you Travis Williams for hiring me three years ago and giving me the opportunity to work there. It’s been the best job and best company I have ever worked for. Dan Maresma – Fellow Bears fan. Thanks for being such a great friend. I appreciate it more than you will ever know. You are a great man and I have envied you in a lot of ways. Stay positive and remember, it’s not how much you make, but how much you save.

As far as any final requests, I have a few. Don’t ruin a suit if you plan on burying me. Blue jeans, sneakers, and my McGwire jersey underneath the Urlacher jersey is what I want. I have left a CD of a song I want played at my funeral. It is a Metallica song entitled “Nothing Else Matters, the elevator version”. It’s a very rare song so don’t lose the CD or make a couple of copies of it. Whoever is in charge of the funeral, don’t make it some long drawn out boring Catholic funeral either….like weddings. My people don’t like that stuff and neither do I. Over the years, I have become more of a spiritualist than anything and realize that Catholicism isn’t the end all be all of religions. There are so many people with so many views on God and faith that I don’t want to have anyone feel uncomfortable because the Catholics are in charge. Have some fun with it. Watch episodes of Family Guy, South Park and listen to Metallica music. Watch some wrestling matches from the mid-80’s……..when it was good, not like the crap on TV today. As far as my personal possessions go, I want my friends to have first crack at whatever they want. Draw straws or names out of a hat. Please respect my final wishes and make sure they are done properly and without drama. *Also, please don’t try and blame any music that I listen to for this either which I know some of my relatives will do. Music has been a huge motivational factor in my life and I don’t know if I would have made it this long without it.*

FYI – The only drug I have in my system is Zoloft and it’s a prescription. You can thank the two girls I mentioned at the beginning of this letter as the reason for me taking it. I have never, ever been a “drug guy”. I was never interested in experimenting or using any type of illegal drugs that were just going to mess up my mind further. All of this happening right now is me, sober. No drugs, no alcohol. How many people out there in this world can go through the shit I have and not take any drugs? Especially, a wrestler!? Check my blood, it’s clean and I am proud of that.

I am also an organ donor and I want my organs to go to people that truly need them to survive and continue living. I am happy in the fact that my healthy living over the years can potentially save several other lives in the future.

I made a couple of donations this week to some local charities that I really like and would encourage as many of you to donate what you can to them too. Here they are……The Humane Society, Metropolitan Ministries, Save the Manatee Club, and Suncoast Law Enforcement Charities. Two St. Petersburg officers were killed in action on Monday and their families need all of the help they can get.

Love and peace….

Shawn McGrath
2030 Plantation Key Circle # 207
Brandon, FL 33511

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